July 25, 2024
Episode Description
Do you feel like your life is controlled by “shoulds”? You should have 6 months of expenses saved, you should workout 3x a week, you should have your life all figured out by now. These “shoulds” keep us trapped in pursuit of unrealistic expectations based on what society has decided is the best or right or optimal way to do something. In this episode we are going to unpack these societal “shoulds” and the shame that often accompanies them. You’ll learn how they impact our mental health and financial decisions, and most importantly, how you can start to let them go.
Thanks for listening to Dopamine Dollars! If you enjoyed the episode, I’d love it if you could leave a review 💚
What You’ll Learn
- Where your “shoulds” stem from
- The additional expectations when you’re neurodivergent
- The difference between shame and guilt
- How shame impacts our mental and emotional health
- How to shift your language
- Tips for regulating your nervous system
Important Links
Join the budget template waitlist HERE.
Grab a copy of Keeping Finance Personal HERE.
Listen to my book on Spotify premium HERE.
Grab a copy of The Neurodivergent Friendly Workbook of DBT Skills by Sonny Jane Wise HERE.
Important Links
- The power of language
- The impact of negative of positive words
- Karen Horney’s “The Tyranny of The Shoulds”
- The impact of shame
- The Neurodivergent Friendly Workbook of DBT Skills
- Tiktok video about shame
Let’s Stay Connected!
Follow me on Instagram: @ellyce.fulmore
Follow me on TikTok: @queerd.co
Check out my website: www.queerdco.com
Stock Music provided by LevelUpMusicSolutions, SunSmileMusic, LeChuckz, goodmoodmusic, and SoundKit, from Pond5. Music: Dreams – Bensound License code: XCGCFKGCETKYVIX8 Support by RFM – NCM: https://bit.ly/3c8WxMf Music: Divergence by Filo Starquez is licensed under a Creative Commons License. Support by RFM – NCM: https://bit.ly/2xGHypM
Transcipt
You’re not living life in the way you want to. You’re not doing the things you want to do. You’re doing the things you feel you’re expected to do.
Hi, friends, and welcome back to Dopamine Dollars, the podcast where we dive into the emotions, science and real life impact of managing your money and your life when you’re neurodivergent. I’m your queer AuDHD host, Ellyce Fulmore, and today we are talking about how to ditch the shoulds and the shame.
As someone who is neurodivergent, I have some exciting updates. So the first very exciting one is that my budget template that I’ve been talking about for so freaking long is finally going to be launching next week. So right now there is a waitlist.
If you would like to join the waitlist, the link will be in the show notes and basically everyone on the waitlist will be the first to be notified when the template drops. So you will get an email right to your inbox saying, hey, the budget template is now live.
You can purchase it here. It’ll have more details about it, things like that. So if you have ADHD and you don’t wanna forget about it, definitely make sure you join the waitlist.
I’ve been using a version of this template without all of the final features that I added in, like, the last few months, but I’ve been using the basic kind of monthly spread that I created for a while now. And I am obsessed. I love it so much.
I’m someone who has historically hated budget templates because they’re boring, they’re not colorful, and they don’t do the things I want them to do. And I’ve completely changed that and put everything I wanted into this template and also gotten your feedback on what you wanted in it. So it’s gonna be good.
I’m excited anyways, that’ll be launching soon, so make sure you join the waitlist. I also am so excited about the Love island winners. Spoiler alert. Just skip ahead 10 seconds if you don’t wanna hear, but oh, my gosh. Serena and Kordell, I am so excited for them.
They were my favorite couple on the island. They were just, they’re so genuine and I’m obsessed and I’m just like stalking their social media being like, give me a crumb. Give me something. I need cameras to be following them around 24/7 because I just wanna see their life out of the villa.
I know that they probably just want to relax and be with their family and, like, regulate and that’s totally understandable. But me, selfishly, I’m like, I want to know exactly what y’all are doing now.
Moving on to today’s episode, I actually really struggled with this one. Just, like, planning out the episode and the script and things like that. And I think one of the big reasons is because I’m really in this.
We’re talking about the shoulds and the shame, and I feel like a lot of this, I haven’t been able to shift myself, and I still struggle with a lot of this. So I think it was very raw for me and almost felt a little bit inauthentic, kind of, I guess, to give advice on when I’m still struggling with it.
I will say that I do feel like I’ve made a lot of progress. And I need to remind myself, like, not to let that kind of imposter syndrome get in my head. Because even though I’m not maybe exactly where I want to be, I have taken a lot of steps and made a lot of progress, and that’s still valuable information that can help people.
So I’m leaning into that, and I really do hope that you find this episode helpful. Just know that I’m coming at you from a place of I still struggle with these things. And so this is not me being like, I never deal with shoulds and the shame.
I’m perfect. That is definitely not what this is about. And I just want you to keep that in mind as we go through the episode that you’re very much not alone in feeling this way. So, on that note, let’s get into it.
You should be keeping your house clean. You should be eating healthier. You should have a savings account with six months worth of expenses. You should be working out three times a week. You should buy a house by the time you’re 30. You should have your life all figured out by now.
These shoulds can feel like a relentless pressure dictating how we live our lives and manage our money. And this pressure also creates shame, both of which are two big components that keep you stuck when it comes to progressing in your finances and your life when you’re neurodivergent.
The shoulds keep us trapped in pursuit of unrealistic societal expectations, and the shame holds us back from seeking out support and sharing our experiences. The combination of these shoulds and shame leave us feeling like we are fundamentally flawed.
If you regularly end your day feeling like you haven’t done enough, your life is likely being controlled by shuts. Shoulds create judgment and pressure toward ourselves and make us feel like we aren’t doing enough.
I heard someone say that whenever we think we should do something, that that’s a sign that the idea didn’t come from you. These shoulds are likely stemming from what society or others around you have decided is the best or right or optimal way to do something.
But we have to keep in mind that these decisions were made based on the systems our society operates under, systems like the patriarchy, capitalism, and white supremacy. These shoulds are typically ableist expectations that don’t take into account any sort of neurodivergence, mental health challenges, disability, or chronic illness. They are social constructs that really aren’t helping anyone.
Now everyone experiences the pressure of these shoulds, but for those of us who are neurodivergent, the expectations can be even more overwhelming and unrealistic. We are constantly subjected to shoulds around just existing.
You should make eye contact when speaking to someone. You should be able to do those tasks yourself. You should be less blunt, less sensitive, less weird. Neurodivergent people are subjected to these shoulds on a regular basis, on top of the shoulds that everyone experiences.
And all of these shoulds trigger shame. And again, everyone experiences shame. But neurodivergent folks have an additional layer of shame that comes along with navigating a world designed for neurotypical people.
Today, we are going to unpack these societal shoulds and the shame that often accompanies them. We’ll explore how they impact our mental health and financial decisions, and most importantly, how we can start to let them go. I’ll be sharing some personal stories, insights, and practical tips to help you navigate this journey with self compassion.
And before we get into things, I just want to say that there are some themes of this episode that are really covered in more detail and more nuance in my book, keeping finance personal, the subtitle of my book is literally ditch the shoulds and the shame and rewrite your money story.
So obviously it’s more like finance focused, not just like overall neurodivergence focused, but it will be really helpful for those of you that listen to this episode and want to kind of dig into this stuff deeper.
So yeah, definitely check out my book if you’re interested in that. It is available in hardcover, ebook and audiobook. It’s also available on Spotify premium. So if you do have a Spotify premium, you can listen to the audiobook on there, which is awesome.
First, let’s kick things off by understanding what these shoulds are and why they have such a strong hold on us. I want you to think about the meaning of the word should for a moment.
According to the Oxford Dictionary, the meaning of should is used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness. Typically, when criticizing someone’s actions. When we say the word should, it’s implying that we failed to do something, that we have a duty to do something, but we have fallen short of that obligation.
It’s also removing any feelings of agency and choice. When you tell yourself you should do something, there is no choice in that. It’s being framed as an expectation, not an option.
How many times have you heard things like your expenses shouldn’t be more than 50% of your income or you should have x amount invested by this age, these statements can feel like rules set in stone, making us feel inadequate if we don’t meet them.
And hearing that we should do something doesn’t motivate us to do the thing either. It probably has the opposite effect. And especially if you have issues with authority or demands.
Like for example, if you have the autistic PDA profile, then your brain is actually going into fight or flight mode. When you hear that word, your brain is literally thinking, stop telling me what to do. The language we use when we are speaking to ourselves has a huge impact.
Saying should is also very similar to saying you have to, ought to, or must do something. The words we use can affect our emotions and behavior. Research has shown that the use of negative words, whether they are actually spoken aloud, heard, read, or thought to yourself, can cause a release of stress and anxiety inducing hormones.
On the other hand, positive words can change your perception of yourself and the world around you. The impact that shoulds have on us is that we are never satisfied with what we achieve, whether that’s on a small level like your daily to do list, or when applied to major life milestones.
Part of the reason why is because societal shoulds are all rooted in hustle culture. And the basis of hustle culture is that there is always more to achieve. There’s always another level, another promotion, another milestone.
There’s always more money and more power to work toward. So when we compare our career, relationship, and finances to others, we feel like we are behind or that we need to do more to reach the next level.
But here’s the thing. Those shoulds don’t take into account our unique circumstances, especially for those of us who are neurodivergent. They can create immense pressure and lead to feelings of failure and shame when we don’t or can’t live up to them. A big one for me is this shoulds around just regular adult tasks.
I should be able to do my laundry every week, go grocery shopping by myself, cook dinner instead of ordering takeout, and keep the house tidy. But I can’t. I can’t realistically do all those things in the way that society says I should.
And if I were to do all of those things, I wouldn’t be able to run my business because it would truly be a full time job for me to just take care of myself in a way that meets those standards. Speaking of my business, I also experience a lot of shoulds in my day to day responsibilities.
I struggle a lot with managing my time and staying on top of tasks, but I’m told that I should be able to follow a strict schedule and never miss a deadline and accomplish things on a certain timeline. Because I find all of these things challenging.
I am left with feelings of shame and inadequacy, constantly feeling like I have to do more. And it definitely doesn’t help that I have a lot of entrepreneurial online friends or like mutuals. And so I see a lot of what other people are doing in their businesses and I definitely fall into the comparison trap.
I feel like, oh, this person is achieving all these things that I want and I should be able to do that too. And this causes damage that goes beyond shame. It can keep us trapped in this limbo where we want to do something, maybe pursue a new career or launch a new product, or even just work on an art project that you’re excited about.
But we feel stuck by the shoulds. We stop giving ourself permission to do the things that we want, follow our hyper fixations and our passions, because our brain is screaming at us that there are so many other things we need to be doing.
Instead, I want you to take a moment and reflect on your own life. How many decisions have you made simply because you felt you should? Did you choose the job that felt like the more responsible choice, despite being passionate about something else? Did you buy a home because that’s what everyone around you was doing, even though renting felt more manageable on a smaller level? How many times a day do you do something because you feel you should? Five times? Ten times.
That’s how much of your day is being dictated by expectations. And even if you’re not actually executing on something because you feel like you should, but even if a lot of your mental space is being consumed by that, like you’re constantly thinking as you’re doing something else, oh, I should also be doing this.
I should do this next you’re not living life in the way you want to. You’re not doing the things you want to do. You’re doing the things you feel you’re expected to do. Even when people ask you about something in your life, you might attach the word should.
Oh, I’m training for a marathon right now, but I’m not running as much as I should. Or maybe you’re discussing books that you’ve read recently with a friend and you find yourself saying, I really should read more.
Psychoanalyst Karen Horney coined the phrase the tyranny of the shoulds. Her theory is that we are constantly bouncing between our ideal self and our actual self. Your ideal self is who you are striving to be, usually a battle for perfectionism that is rooted in shoulds, whereas your actual self is the person you really are.
Now, of course, there’s nothing wrong with having a future version of yourself that you’re aspiring to get to and like things that you want to improve upon in your own life. But that’s different from centering everything that you’re doing around this idealized version of yourself that really is unrealistic and unattainable.
From a young age, we’re told what success looks like, good grades, a prestigious college, a high paying job, home ownership, and a perfectly balanced budget. These milestones are often presented as non negotiable benchmarks for a successful life.
We begin to feel like we don’t deserve rest and hobbies and enjoyment because we haven’t reached these arbitrary milestones. But for many neurodivergent individuals, these benchmarks can feel impossible.
The traditional educational system, for example, is not always accommodating to different learning styles and needs. Tasks like budgeting, saving, and even keeping track of bills can be overwhelming due to executive function challenges.
We talked last episode about how our struggles in life often earn us the label of lazy or unmotivated. These labels stick with us and shape how we view ourselves and our abilities.
The societal shoulds don’t account for these difficulties, which can lead to even greater feelings of inadequacy and frustration. If we can’t do things right, why bother at all? Which brings me to our second shame. Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.
This is different from guilt, which is when we feel regret or remorse about something we’ve done. So guilt is I did something bad, while shame is when I am bad. Shame can make you feel rejected and inadequate, overly worried about what others think of you, and a desire to shut people out or withdraw.
It can also lead to addiction, physical and mental health challenges, lowered self esteem, an obsession with perfectionism, or compulsive or excessive behaviors. Interestingly, the root of shame is often avoiding failure and its consequences.
It’s a defense mechanism that we use to hide what we perceive as our inadequacies. Because shame is a direct attack on our feelings of worthiness, it often prevents us from seeking help or taking action.
We fear being ridiculed or judged when it comes to our finances, shame can show up in many ways. You might feel it around your debt, money management, or spending habits. When we have shame around our money, it can lead to a cycle of avoidance.
It feels so uncomfortable to face our challenges, and we are scared to reach out for support or try something and fail. So avoidance is easier. But of course, our problems don’t magically go away, so this avoidance can lead to even more financial distress.
I’ve shared this story before about how I used to avoid my student loans. Like, I would literally delete the emails and shred the letters before even reading them, and I had no idea how much student loan debt I actually had because I was terrified to look.
And honestly, this resulted in me inflating the situation in my head. I began to think that I had way more debt than I actually did, and I just got more and more anxious about it. Luckily, I didn’t suffer too many negative consequences.
Besides the emotional and mental toll, which honestly were quite significant, the emotional burden of our shame can also cloud our decision making. When we’re consumed by shame, we might make impulsive decisions to try and alleviate those feelings temporarily.
This could mean overspending to feel better in the moment, or making financial choices out of a desire to appear more successful to others, even if they’re not in our best interest.
So how do we start to ditch the shoulds and the shame? I suggest a combination of mindset shifts and practical tips. When it comes to the shoulds, I think the major shifts to focus on are your mindsets around neurodivergence in general, and around society’s expectations.
Recognize that your neurodivergence is a part of who you are, and it comes with its own strengths and challenges.
What works for others might not work for you, and that’s okay. You likely cannot keep up with neurotypical people when it comes to how much they are working, their hobbies, their fitness progress, etcetera.
They have more capacity than us, so it’s really not even a fair comparison to make comparisons in general, are often misguided because we never have the whole picture. You don’t know if they saved up for that down payment or if it was gifted from their parents.
You don’t know if that perfect relationship you envy actually has abuse going on behind the scenes. You don’t know whether that entrepreneur has a team of five working for them. And you don’t know if someone’s external accomplishments are accompanied by depression and burnout.
Even if you do know some intimate details about someone’s life, you’re still not in their head. You don’t know what they are struggling with mentally or emotionally. Something I like to practice when I find myself falling into the comparison trap is listing out in my head all of the things I don’t know about that person I’m comparing myself to.
So let’s say you see someone you went to high school with who’s living your dream life. Maybe they have a dream job, their house is beautiful and filled with furniture that you can’t afford, and they’re taking an extravagant trip every few months.
And you’re just seeing all this on your feed, being like, oh my gosh, I wish I could do all these things. I should be doing this. I should have done this so I could be more like them, whatever it is.
Now, in this example, here are some things that I don’t know from just looking on social media. I don’t know what their finances really look like. I don’t know what their relationships look like.
I don’t know what their physical and mental health is like. I don’t know what they are going through and experiencing. All I see is the curated version of their life that they wanted me to see.
This practice reminds me that nobody’s life is picture perfect and everyone has challenges. Comparing myself to others doesn’t make sense because we are all so different. And I very likely might not be envious of them if I knew the whole picture. And like I said earlier, because we’re neurodivergent, just in general, that changes the baseline of these comparisons, right?
Like I’m going to have less capacity than a lot of these people I see online, and that just automatically means that my life is not going to look like theirs, even if we were doing the exact same things. So I have a few affirmations for you to help you rewire your beliefs around neurodivergence.
These are from or adapted from the neurodivergent friendly workbook of DBT skills by Sonny Jane Wise. I’ll link that resource in the show notes. These are some affirmations for you to try repeating to yourself. You can either say these out loud to yourself in the mirror or, you know, print them out and put them around your desk or somewhere you can see them or even just repeat them in your head.
I will also put these up as a carousel post on Instagram if you want to reference them. I do not have to hold myself to neurotypical standards, rules or expectations when it comes to my money and my life.
The differences in the way my brain works are real and valid and they deserve to be accommodated. People disagreeing with how I live my life or manage my money does not mean my lived experience or opinions aren’t valid.
It’s okay if the tools and systems designed for and by neurotypical people don’t work for me. My brain works exactly the way it was designed to, and I deserve to find ways to support my brain next we want to shift our definitions of success society often dictates what success should look owning a home, having a certain amount of savings, or following a specific career path.
But these definitions don’t account for individual circumstances and goals. Take the time to reflect on what success means to you personally. Maybe it’s having the freedom to pursue creative projects, having more balance in your life, or achieving financial stability at your own pace.
Redefining success also allows you to set goals that are meaningful and attainable for you. I have a whole chapter on redefining society’s definition of success in my book, but I want to read a specific excerpt for you now.
So this is from chapter eleven, which is titled the Currency of Cool, the key to ditching society’s definition of success. So literally, exactly what we’re talking about. If you are chasing after success and accomplishment without clearly defining and understanding what those mean to you personally, you will end up disappointed.
You will look back and realize the trajectory of your life was dictated by your need for acceptance and validation. In an interview with trauma informed clarity coach and mentor Dr. Joi Madison, I asked this question.
What advice would you give to someone who maybe knows this isn’t the life they want, but is unsure of how to reimagine this american dream they’ve been taught? I loved her response so much, I need to share it with all of you.
Dr. Joi shared that she went through this experience herself and that questioning the expected path inevitably results in a process of untangling. You will need to untangle yourself from the expectations, the internalized beliefs and conditions, and the aspects of your identity that were tied up to the American dream.
Ask yourself how do I want my life to feel? This is definitely a mindset shift, because it requires you to really unlearn and untangle yourself from these societal expectations, and also not just around money, but around, you know, being neurodivergent and how society has a lot of expectations about how someone should act, which is based on being neurotypical.
So it’s a lot of this unlearning and untangling, and it’s definitely a difficult process. I would say I’m kind of still in the middle of it. I think there’s a lot of things that I’ve unlearned, and I’ve been able to really clarify a lot of my own goals, but there’s still some areas that I get tangled up in.
Like in the previous podcast episode, I talked a bit about the process of writing my book and, like, the motivation around that. And I think, like, an important aspect of that was that I basically leaned into the neurotypical approach to writing a book, what I thought a good author did or looked like.
So even though I’ve been able to unlearn a lot of expectations around finances, I didn’t apply that same knowledge to writing a book. So, for me, that just shows that there’s a lot of work still to be done and that, you know, the work that I’ve done in one area doesn’t necessarily carry across every aspect of my life. It’s hard.
You really have to work through internalized ableism and all of these, like, rules and frameworks that we’ve been conditioned to follow. Now, when it comes to mindset shifts for overcoming shame, a good first step is understanding where that shame is coming from and how it influences your behavior and decision making.
Pay attention to when you feel shame coming up and get curious about where that might be coming from. Most of us were not taught how to desire change that does not come from shame.
And this is why so many people go through endless cycles of self development and attempting self growth, only to be able to sustain it for a few days, and then inevitably, having this huge nervous system crash, go into a state of collapse, feel deep shame, and then wonder what’s wrong with them and why they can’t stick with it.
And so a large part of actually being able to regulate your nervous system, because you do need to do things consistently in order to regulate your nervous system, is first identifying if you are somebody that has learned to use shame as your main source of motivation for change, and then learn how to decouple shame from change and be able to tune into the part of you that does already exist, which is why you’re listening to this video, which is that there is a part of you that desires to feel what it is like to desire change from a place of wanting better for yourself, or to just experience more of your authenticity.
Shame healing will literally transform your nervous system for the better. From there, you can begin to reframe your thinking around shame. My favorite question to help you start doing this is one I learned in the trauma of money program.
The question is, whose shame is this? Basically, what this question is getting at is whether the shame you’re feeling is actually your weight to bear. Whose shame are we really carrying around, and is it our shame to carry? For example, many of us carry shame around situations or circumstances that are completely out of our control.
Financial struggles are not solely due to personal failings. In fact, I would say hardly any of it is based on just like, personal decisions alone, but are influenced by broader societal and economic factors. Understanding that systemic issues such as the cost of living or lack of financial education play a role in this shame that we hold can help you see that your challenges are not a reflection of your worth, and it isn’t our fault.
So why are we taking on the entire burden of these effed up systems? Additionally, things like generational trauma, neurodivergence, mental health challenges, disability and chronic illness, and the barrier that come along with those contribute to the shame we feel.
But again, that’s not our fault. It’s not our shame to carry. Recognizing that a lot of our shame is actually not our responsibility or fault can be freeing. And next time you feel some shame coming up for you, I really want you to ask yourself, whose shame is this?
And what systems or circumstances or things out of my control have contributed to me ending up in this position. Now, this exercise is not meant to be like, I’m going to remove all responsibility and accountability for myself and just be like, well, it is what it is like.
That’s not the point of it. The point of it is just to realize that we feel and carry so much shame around things that, like, are literally not our fault and are completely out of our control, so we can let go of those things, recognizing that they’re not our fault.
And then the shame that we’re left with is so much less than before. And for me, this lifted just such a weight off my shoulders when I did this exercise for the first time. And it really helps me every time I feel, like, guilty or shameful about something to remember that, like, I don’t have proper support.
As a neurodivergent person, I was never given the proper education, the proper tools, the proper systems. The world wasn’t built for me, not designed for me. Like, all of these things are working against me.
So, like, why am I just holding all the shame of it now? Moving on to some more practical tools. The number one thing for ditching the shoulds is to readjust your language. We talked about how important the language that we use can be and how it can influence our emotions and behaviors.
So using words such as could, will, and would prefer shifts the context from being an unrealistic expectation that you placed on yourself to a choice that you get to make. It creates space for you to check in with what you actually want and make your own decision that isn’t dictated by anyone else.
Instead of saying, I should be debt free right now, even changing that to I would prefer to be debt free right now, can you hear how much that changes it because it puts the power back on you? Like, oh, I would prefer to be debt free right now.
So that that makes me feel like I have some agency, if that’s what I would prefer. Like, how can I make this happen? What things do I need to do? But when I say I should be debt free right now, like, automatically, even just hearing that, it makes me curl up in my chair.
Like, that just feels so bad. This is also a bit of a mindset shift as well, because you’re essentially retraining your brain to believe that you don’t have to do anything. You have the power to decide whether you want to do something or not.
I would suggest starting out by just trying to notice when you hear yourself saying or thinking the shoulds, try to catch yourself in the act and reframe it using can, could, will, or would prefer. This next one is kind of a combination of a mindset and practical tool.
But the next time you say should, I want you to question where that comes from. Some of the questions to ask yourself, why should you do that thing? Says, who and what do you actually want to do? Ugh.
I should make dinner tonight instead of ordering takeout. Okay, why should I do that? Because you’ll save money. Because it’s a healthier option. Because it’s what responsible people do. Says who?
What do I actually want to do? There are so many times when I know that ordering takeout is the right decision for me because I have no spoons, I’m exhausted, and I don’t have the capacity to cook. Or you might realize that you really want to prioritize saving money so you feel better about cooking at home that night than ordering takeout.
Really, what I want you to do is just think about why you’re making that decision and where those shoulds are stemming from. Because if the reason why you feel like you should cook at home is coming from these societal expectations, and basically it’s coming from shame, right?
Like, oh, I should cook at home because that’s like the quote unquote better thing to do. It’s like the quote unquote healthier thing, the more affordable thing. Like, whatever it is, whatever your belief around that is, those things are like, really pushed upon us by these, like, societal narratives, regardless of what decision we’re making.
If it’s coming from that place of shame, it’s never really going to feel good and it’s going to be a bad feeling all the time. Whereas you might come to the same conclusion of realizing, oh, I don’t want to actually order takeout for x reason, but instead of it coming from a place of shame, it’s coming from a place of agency and choice. It’s your decision.
You’re in control and you’re doing it for a specific reason. It’s going to give you the outcome that you want, not the outcome that society says you should want. Hopefully we’re seeing the difference there. Now, lastly, I would suggest reevaluating your financial values and goals in general.
Chapter nine of my book is all about your values and aligning your finances with them, and I think this is an important step to really nailing down what you want. I literally would have to do a whole podcast episode on that in terms of like, figuring out your values.
But if you have my book or are going to check out my book, like, definitely do chapter nine in kind of conjunction with this work because it’ll be really helpful and basically allows you to set some realistic and attainable goals that are based on your values and your actual realistic numbers, not on what others think you should do or society thinks you should do or whatever.
In terms of more practical tools, when it comes to shame, my biggest piece of advice is to focus on community and finding safe spaces. Shame thrives in isolation, but it can be dismantled through connection and understanding.
Find people that relate to your experiences that you feel comfortable opening up with or seeking support from. If you’re comfortable, maybe you could share your story online or on a podcast or newsletter.
Doing this really just reminds people that hear that story that they’re not alone. Work on cultivating a supportive community where you can share without fear of judgment. Whether it’s an online group or a local community meetup, or even just friends and family who understand your struggles, having that safe space where you can talk about your challenges can make a world of a difference.
Community reminds us that we aren’t alone in our struggles, and that is so powerful for removing and dismantling and ditching the shame. I also suggest implementing some sort of gratitude practice into your life.
And I know that when I say that, some of you are probably thinking, ugh, Elise, we’ve heard this before. Everyone’s saying, practice gratitude, practice gratitude. And I fear that the rumors around practicing gratitude are true and also backed by research.
I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but turns out that these practices that people say work, actually work. The research has proven that gratitude practice makes you happier and more positive. And doing this can help remind you of the aspects of your life that really bring you joy and help you untangle your authentic self from that self that society has convinced you to want.
Gratitude practice can also shift the focus back to what you do currently have in your life, rather than what you lack. This can be a more structured practice, like spending five minutes at night or in the morning to write everything down that you’re grateful for that day.
Or it can be more casual where you’re just kind of, you know, thinking about it in your head, or like, every time you brush your teeth, you think of the things you’re grateful for or something like that.
My partner and I also really like just asking each other what we’re grateful for when we’re lying in bed, like, before we go to sleep. And I find that’s a really nice way for us to connect as well.
Lastly, it’s very important when we’re trying to overcome shame, that we have a tool or multiple tools in our toolbox to help us regulate our nervous system. This is probably one of the most, like, underrated things in the personal finance community.
And just like in life in general, people don’t realize how often their nervous system is dysregulated or what it even feels like when it is dysregulated. And so you end up, like, moving through your day and making these decisions when you don’t have a regulated nervous system.
And as a result, you aren’t thinking as clearly as you normally would. And you’re not, like, acting in the same way as you would if you were, like, grounded and regulated. And shame obviously really dysregulates our nervous system and throws things off.
And so when we feel that shame coming up. If you have some tools that you can turn to to help you regulate your nervous system, that makes such a huge difference in just how the rest of that day will go, how you’ll be making decisions.
Like, if you have a lot of shame around your money, every single time you go to do something with your finances, your nervous system is being dysregulated. So that’s why it’s so important now in terms of something that’s going to regulate your nervous system, this is going to be different for everyone.
And I do think that if you have a hard time recognizing, like, your body signals, basically, like, your somatic response to things, I would suggest if you’re able to working with a mental health professional, specifically like a somatic therapist, that can really help you pinpoint how you’re feeling and, like, what it feels like to be dysregulated.
This shame may also be rooted in trauma or other sensitive topics that require more professional guidance and support to actually work through. But some examples of how you could regulate yourself.
And again, remember that these are going to be different for everyone. It could be meditation. It could be doing some sort of breath work, some deep breathing. It could be using, like, a weighted blanket, a heating pad, taking a cold shower, taking a hot shower, dunking your head in, like, ice water.
It could be getting outside and going for a walk, cuddling with your dog, a lot of different things. So you kind of want to play around with, like, what types of regulation work well for you? Is it like, that pressure? Is it being in, like, a safe space? Is it certain, like, smells and sounds? Is it fresh air? Is it people in your life, like, you obviously want to have some individual tools as well that don’t just rely on other people.
But, yeah, really just kind of experiment with, okay, what. What types of regulation work well for me? And I think the more that you practice these, the more you’ll begin to be able to discern the difference between, oh, this is my nervous system when it’s regulated, versus this is my nervous system when it’s really not regulated.
That’s really helpful for working through this shame and beginning to recognize it when it comes up. By working on these mindset shifts and tangible tips, you start to overcome the shoulds and the shame that have been holding you back.
Remember, it’s about finding what works best for you. And the process of unlearning societal shoulds is definitely a journey. So go slow and be gentle with yourself.
You’ve got this.
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Alright friends, that is it for this episode. Thank you so much for listening to dopamine dollars. And remember, don’t focus on what you should do, focus on what you want to do.
